Stealth Christians

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Stealth Christians

Postby Enzo » Sat Jun 20, 2015 4:41 am

I was sitting on my bench downtown this afternoon, reading my paper and doing the puzzles therein. When up walks an older lady with a young boy in tow. He maybe 10? Mason has tied big purple bows on stuff all over downtown, they represent some sort of fighting cancer effort. I can't keep track of all the color ribbons we have these days in the USA. So the lady stops and asks if I knew what the purple bows were for, perhaps honoring the fallen at that church in South Carolina? I told her no, it was for something more positive than mass murder, but I forgot just what. I was sure they'd know inside the news stand coffee shop.

She then said it was so sad all those people murdered in church, and she'd pray for them. yes, it is a sad testament, isn't it.

She then asked if I had anything she might pray for for me, just sitting there. I told her I was thankful I had a nice day and the opportunity to read my paper. She went on to ask if I had heard the good news of Jesus Christ.

I told her, "OK, now you are pushing it, lady."

"Oh, you're not ready for the news?"

No, I am just not interested in discussing it with YOU.

And I realized I had just been visited by a stealth Christian. They sneak up on you, pass a few pleasantries, then try to zap you with a Jesus.

Normally I tell them they ought to read their Matthew, chapter 6. Everything you need to know is right there. That is where it tells you that prayer is private, not a group sport, and God thinks you are a hypocrite praying at someone. It says not to pray for what you want, he already knows what you need. Go read that, lady.

But I had a Sudoku to solve, and didn't want to waste the time.


I was sitting in a burger joint one time, and a couple walked over. I was having a burger and reading a book. They asked "What is that book you are reading?" I told them and a brief description, and let them read the cover. They thanked me, sat the book on the table in front of me, and walked on away. A moment later I picked up the book, and there under it, they had hidden a tract of some bible verses. Stealth Christians.
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Lance » Sat Jun 20, 2015 6:48 am

Wow... Have you seen the tract that looks like a folded up $20 bill? It looks real until you pick it up and open and find Jesus hiding inside waiting to pounce on you.

I used to break into an evangelical rant at telemarketers when they called. I could go pretty good. They would usually hang up on me.
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Arneb » Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:14 am

There are definite advantages to living in a largely de-confessionalized country.
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby wring » Sun Jun 21, 2015 1:48 am

I was on campus when there was a wave of 'em. Had several encounters 'Have you seen the lord today?' I replied, yea, he's over behind Berkey hall, if you run you can catch up w/him. Another time, they shoved a bible at me, I said as I walked by "I can't read". there were more. I'm glad it hasn't happened in a while.
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Мастер » Sun Jun 21, 2015 2:38 am

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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby MM_Dandy » Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:51 am

Lance wrote:Wow... Have you seen the tract that looks like a folded up $20 bill? It looks real until you pick it up and open and find Jesus hiding inside waiting to pounce on you.

I used to break into an evangelical rant at telemarketers when they called. I could go pretty good. They would usually hang up on me.


Was that on this board where I read that some folks were leaving these things in lieu of tips?
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Enzo » Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:41 am

Sounds very Christian, donit?
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Lance » Mon Jun 22, 2015 10:47 am

It sounds vaguely familiar.

"Here, this tip is more valuable to you than all the money in the world."

"Jesus will pay my rent?"
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Lianachan » Mon Jun 22, 2015 11:09 am

Kevin Bloody Wilson wrote:tell ya a funny story, Nigel and I, uh it was one weekend we decided,
well we'd saved for months and months and months.
and we uh as young blokes, single young fellas.
we decided to go to Perth to buy some musical instruments,
which meant an overnight train trip and waking up in Perth at
8 o'clock the next morning and going straight to the shops from
the train and uh we went to musgrove's as they were in those days
and we bought the instruments that we needed and the we went
and we booked into a hotel,
right,
from there we went to the footy on saturday afternoon, saturday uh evening
after the footy went to a pub from there we went to a fucken nite club
and of course by the time it meant going home again, back to the hotel
we'd booked into we'd forgotten what fucken hotel it was

ohh fuck it, its a warm night lets just sleep down there on the fucken esplanade
down in Perth, so we slept on the grass underneath the Narrows bridge
and the next morning woke up and fair dinkum,
I felt like i was recovering from a fucken autopsy you know im layin...

And i can smell this barbeque and i said to nige, fuck, can you smell that
he said fucken oath i can kevin, that smells real good

I said well fucken your the black fella, track it down

fucken sniffin along the fucken banks of the , and you know what it was,
it was a huge, there was about 5 big barbeques happening in those half drum
things, and what it was, there was big heap of pentacostal christians or
whatever they are, and that, they were baptising them in the fucken river
and they bought in this bloke from america you know the, the fire and
brimstone fucken preacher,
and what it was the barbeques were actually the comunion breakfast or the
baptismal breakfast or whatever they call it.
And nigel said fuck kevin how do i get into that fucken tucker there
i said nige just jump on into that queue walking out into the river alright

when you get out to that bloke out there fucken turn round come back
you'll have a bath and a fucken feed mate.

No worries

he went out there and he joined the queue
right fucken joined the queue
got out to the centre of the river and theres this fucken fire and brimstone
preacher
"Im about to baptise ya in the name of jesus" and he got hold of nige and he
poomfd him in the water, pulled him up said "have ya seen the lord jesus?"
he said "fuck no i didnt see nothin, too quick".

"try again"

"im about to baptise ya in the name of jesus" dunked him in the water, pulled
him up,"have ya seen the lord jesus?"
Nige said "fuck no i didnt see nothin"
"try again, play the game buddy" right
so he got him
"im about to baptise ya in the name of jesus" dunked him in the water and
held him under for a minute and a half and pulled him up and said "have ya seen
the lord jesus?"
Nigel said "fuck no, are ya sure this is where the cunt fell in?"
A-nis bidh fios aig daoine nuair a tha mi a 'mionnachadh aig dhaibh.
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Re: Stealth Christians

Postby Lance » Mon Jun 22, 2015 11:57 am

Watch on youtube.com
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Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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