Illuminati-R-Us

Alright, but you get American dollars. Oh and BTW, the american dollar's value plummets to the worth of a penny.

I wish my mom wouldn't have just taken my last $20 as payment for her paying for my class ring......

She lets you have your last $20, but makes you prostitute out on the street instead.

I wish I could actually do stuff...

You do stuff. With St. Jimmy. He charges you for it.

I wish Omaha, Nebraska were the capital of the US.

Okay, then all the politicians, lobbyists and other scum bags move to the center of the country. This leaves the East coast so light that the whole country flips over.

I wish the weather would stay nice enough to ride bicycles all winter.

Very well, but all winter long, every time you come inside from biking and turn on the TV, you see Al Gore gloating about how he was right about global warming.

I wish Georgia weren't so far away.

It isn't. You live in Azerbaijan, and it's right next door.

I wish my first class upgrade for Saturday would come through.

Granted, but your plane is 4 hours behind schedule

I wish we could get some more active members here.

100 new users sign up, and they are all like Bill Thompson.

I wish Bill weren't such an ass.

He becomes a cuddly little lapdog, always following you around. You can't take a step without hearing a little 'yip!' where you almost stepped on his tail.

I wish for world peace.

Granted, but the rest of the universe goes into chaos.

I wish I had a limitless supply of twizzlers.

The delivery guy attempts to cram the Twizzlers through the mail slot, in the process, compressing them to within their Schwarzschild radius. The resultant black hole begins to absorb the rest of the infinite supply of Twizzlers, and the x-ray emissions from the in-falling licorice candy wipe out all life on Earth long before the black hole inevitably engulfs the planet.

I wish it were time for Thanksgiving dinner already.

It is - here in Prague, where they don't have Thanksgiving.

I wish Prague didn't have so many tourists.

Presto! The tourists gradually get slighly fewer in number but noticeably more Vogon.

I wish I didn't find it so difficult to follow certain kinds of reading material.

The newspaper stops running around your house because it fell and broke it's leg.

I wish I could go to bed and actually sleep.

Alright, you find a sleeping pill and take it. Seconds later you're so tired you're about to fall over, so you stumble into the first bed you can. The next morning you wake up with Derek B. lying next to you.

I wish today was saturday.

It is, in China.

I wish today were Friday.

The weekend is cancelled.

I wish I had an 11" pianist.

Poof! You do, and he plays the most beautiful rendition of Für Elise... in ultrasonic frequencies, since the strings in his itty bitty piano are too small to make audible tones.

I wish my cat hadn't jumped in front of me while I was running just now (he seems to be okay, fortunately).

O.K., so he didn't jump anymore because you already trampled him

I wish that evil lung doctor exam wasn't about to happen next Friday.

There was a scheduling conflict with the evil lung doctor, and they want you to reschedule for Thursday.

I wish I were motivated enough to get some exercise and work off the pounds I put on over Thanksgiving.

You you are being chased by Cerberus.

I wish Atlantis would resurface.

Yeah, and all the woo-woos would go I told you so.


I wish there would be more clear nights where I live.

Poof! The nights are so clear that mega corporations start putting big bright ad banners on satellites and light up the place clear as day.

I wish I hadn't forgotten to return those library books yesterday.

You didn't. It was a week ago.

I wish all this forum nonsense wouldn't distract me from revising for my exam...

You become an admin and serious forum stuff distracts you from your studies.

I wish I had the stick-to-it-iveness to become fluent in foreign language and not start slipping halfway through.