Illuminati-R-Us

You do, but the postal rate changed, the envelope's the wrong size, the bologna is fat-free, the plastic bag has a hole in it, and the mailbox is sitting over a shred bin.


I wish I could take a nap.

you do in 25 years

I wish the internet wasn't addicting

You no longer find the internet addicting...because you have fallen into a coma.

I wish that my head would stop hurting.

It does, but then both feet start to hurt with equal pain.

I wish my team would act like grown-ups.

They do, and promptly start mobbing you out of it.

I wish my exam today had been better.

It was much better... in the sense that it was more comprehensive and a greater challenge to your knowledge and intelligence.

I wish this poison ivy rash on my ankle would go away.

Your rash is gone, along with your skin (ewww).


I wish I could think of kinder, gentler ways to corrupt other's wishes.

You do, but then we call you a Candy-Ass and you're magically transformed into a head-case that's butt-naked.

I wish I didn't use hypenated words so much.

The hyphen key on your keyboard gets stuck and stops working, along with the zero key, the plus key, backspace, letter p, and left curly brace. You're left unable to use hyphenated words, perform arithmetic without the numpad, or code in any C-style language without great inconvenience.

I wish I had something fun to do this weekend.

She leaves you on Monday.

I wish I could sleep better.

You do, but you sleep through graduation.

I wish I could do something nice for my husband.

You do something nice, but immediately afterwards he is hit by a stray, mistuned mind-control satellite beam and suffers amnesia as a result.

I wish I'd remember to finish watching this "Star Trek:TAS" DVD set I bought awhile back.

You begin the watch them but all of a sudden your entire entertainment system explodes. OH NO! You had 3 payments left on the dvd player and direct tv has been chargeing you for the tivo that you don't have. After months of bills and repaying everything you finally have a new setup. You finally are ready to watch your movies because you have the state of the art technology in front of you that could never mess up your precious star trek....but wait, where did the movies go. The dog ate them.

I wish it was exactly one year ago.

It is, but you still don't know now what you didn't know then.

I wish we had the money to go away for a long weekend.

A wealthy uncle that you never knew about just died and left you a fortune, provided that you spend one night in his haunted mansion in Hungary.

I wish pi were exactly three.

...and the same thing happens as if you saw god...the universe explodes

I wish the universe were round.

It is, but it keeps rolling under God's sofa and getting lost.

I wish I had a big house and yard.

They're round too, and roll away.

I wish I had some more money for my disney trip.

You win the lottery, and not even your Disney trip is enough to get away from all of the never-before-seen relatives coming out of the woodwork.

I wish I had a stylish aluminum foil hat.

You do, but it doesn't STOP THE MIND-CONTROL RAYS!

I wish it was 5pm already.

It is...in the Bermuda Triangle.

I wish I were omnipotent.

Everyone starts worshipping you, and then FSM gets really annoyed at you and stops coming to your parties.

I wish I were omniscient.

You are, but you go crazy(er) from the mental strain of knowing it all.

I wish I hadn't eaten so much dinner.

You didn't eat at all.

I wish I could fly.

You can, but then you fly too close to the Sun, which melts the wax holding the feathers to your wings, which causes them to fall off, which forces you to make a crash landing in the remote jungles of the Amazon. Later, an episode of I Shouldn't be Alive chronicles your harrowing adventure.


I wish that we had our garden in, already.