Illuminati-R-Us

by **pmcolt** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 1:16 am

I'll just hit snooze and get five more minutes of sleep.

by **KLA2** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 1:19 am

What a great job! All I have to do is go and start the boss's car ...

by **troubleagain** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:19 pm

I can beat that train!

by **pmcolt** » Fri Dec 19, 2008 5:10 am

A remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still? Sounds great! Green light!

by **Arneb** » Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:05 pm

Hey, why should we improve? They'll give us our 45 billion anyway!

by **KLA2** » Sun Feb 15, 2009 3:08 am

How can I lose with a Ponzi scheme? Why, the economy of the world would have to collapse before I would be exposed ...

by **hippietrekx** » Sun Feb 15, 2009 3:18 am

Oh. I'll just do it tomorrow.

by **Arneb** » Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:01 pm

Hey, that noro epidemic is OVER, I tell you. We can relax now. :glp-yak:

by **troubleagain** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 6:54 pm

Oh, I never get sick. Haven't had a cold or flu in YEARS! :roll:

by **Arneb** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:05 pm

I won't stay in the hospital. I can relax and get better soooo much easier when I'm at home.

by **KLA2** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:11 pm

I'll just forward this racist and potentially career-ending email out to all the folks in my address book. No one else can connect it to me ... :roll:

by **Arneb** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:12 pm

And I'll just write a seething, sacathing reply before hitting "reply to all". I mean, he's fired, what can he do?

by **troubleagain** » Fri Mar 06, 2009 2:23 pm

Pfft. I can outrun a bear.

by **KLA2** » Sun Mar 08, 2009 6:22 pm

They're more afraid of me then I am of them.

by **Arneb** » Sun Mar 08, 2009 6:49 pm

Calm down, man. This can't possibly hurt, awright?

by **troubleagain** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 2:05 pm

What does this button do?

by **Arneb** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 2:25 pm

Can't do anything dangerous, right?

by **Lance** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:31 pm

It couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking thatI really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burstlonger than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring a bout 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do mybest.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt allthat bad. I decidedto give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and........

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs . I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

by **Arneb** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:21 pm

Oh, look at the lady with that tinker-toy teaser, harhar.

by **KLA2** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:35 pm

That is approximately 852 last words. A little verbose. :P

But taken to heart. Tazer + groin = bad.

Thanks for the warning. :) :lol:

by **troubleagain** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:34 pm

"Honey, have you put on a little weight?"

by **Arneb** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:06 pm

What would you, of all people, do with a machine gun?

by **KLA2** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:11 pm

Arneb wrote:What would you, of all people, do with a machine gun?

Anything she wants to. :glp-rimshot:

by **troubleagain** » Thu Mar 19, 2009 5:59 pm

Oh, what's the big deal? It's just teeeeny little spider.

by **Arneb** » Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:10 pm

Australia has the most venomenous animals on Earth? Yeah, go on kidding me.

Illuminati-R-Us

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