Viz Letters

[Lianachan]

I was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.

[Lianachan]

I fancy having a bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a butcher's or a pet shop?

[Lianachan]

These so-called "speed humps" are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

[Heid the Ba]

Never lose anything ever again, tie everything you own to a piece of string and if you can't find something simply start at one end and work along until you find it.

[Lianachan]

People in Cheltenham. When smearing dogshit on Craig David's Porsche 911 in the Royal Well car park, make sure you get plenty under the door handles and not just on the bonnet.

[Heid the Ba]

The United States and Britain have finally apologised for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes apologise for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats?

[Lianachan]

Now that increasing numbers of celebrities are being accused by the newspapers of paedophilia, I find it quite refreshing that John Leslie is only accused of raping mature women well over the age of consent. Hats off to him.

[Arneb]

It should be noted that Bill Clinton and Len Brown are reputed not to have raped anyone at all, above the age of consent or below. That is quite astounding an achievement.

[Lianachan]

EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

[tubeswell]

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic.

[Lianachan]

SO IT'S our car, our flat and our money, but I notice it's always her tits. There's feminism for you.

[Arneb]

On the other hand, it's also YOUR wilie. and YOUR sixpack. And YOUR chest hair. Or is that a toupé?

[Lianachan]

THE LEGEND of Bigfoot, a humanoid ape-like creature living in the Rocky Mountains of America was first told by the native Red Indians centuries ago. Due to the vastness of the terrain, it is quite possible that such a creature could live undiscovered. Obviously, however, it could not live for centuries, so it follows that there would have to be a breeding population. Based on my own field studies, I have calculated that the area where the bigfoot has been spotted could support around two hundred individuals. Just imagine if we captured all these magnificent beasts and trained them to perform Michael Flatley's Riverdance. What a show that would be!

[Heid the Ba]

Please can someone help me? I can't seem to think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in

[Lianachan]

NUDISTS. In cold weather, when you are forced to wear clothes, simply pin a photograph of your cock and balls onto the front of your trousers.

[tubeswell]

The best thing about the all-in one entry deal at the Bierfest was the free steins

[Lianachan]

MAKE YOUR own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

[Lance]

Okay, I give up. What are "Viz Letters"?

[tubeswell]

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

[Lianachan]

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

[Lianachan]

Okay, I give up. What are "Viz Letters"?

Letterbocks. Also, this thread contains many Top Tips.

[Lianachan]

Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

[Lianachan]

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

[Lianachan]

BANGING two pistachio nut half shells together gives the impression a very small horse is approaching.

[tubeswell]

Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

Now this is a seriously good idea.