21 Best One-Liner Jokes

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21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Lance » Sun Dec 06, 2015 2:19 am

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Мастер » Sun Dec 06, 2015 5:10 am

:mrgreen:

I had to do a Google for #13, as I didn't know what an Epi-Pen was. Which I guess means I'm at risk of acting #13 out in real life.
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Lance » Sun Dec 06, 2015 6:04 am

Well, if Cyndi ever gives you her Epi-Pen, poke her with it. :D
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Enzo » Sun Dec 06, 2015 6:54 am

An Epi Pen was what Ann Landers used to write her column.
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Lance » Sun Dec 06, 2015 8:51 am

Enzo wrote:An Epi Pen was what Ann Landers used to write her column.

Oh jeez!

:glp-rimshot:
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Enzo » Sun Dec 06, 2015 9:37 am

Esoteric enough?
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Arneb » Sun Dec 06, 2015 10:18 am

I liked #3 best, and #13 took a long time to work through my gyri. Great work for pneumologist! *snort*.

Enzo's remark took me an entire Wikipedia article to get. Yes, definitely esorteric enough!
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby tubeswell » Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:36 am

23) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

24) Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

25) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Lance » Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:38 am

LOL!
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Lianachan » Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:52 pm

26. I’ve just started a new job as an airport baggage handler. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. There’s a lot to take on board.

27. Just set a new personal best for 10km running. I did 0.7km.

28. Princess Anne says GM crops are fine. The result of questionable selective breeding in a controlled environment, she is the Queen’s daughter.

29. My brother developed an addiction to wet wipes. He’s been clean for 3 years now.

30. My mother watched her first porno today. She was delighted because she hadn’t aged a bit.

31. I spoke to a sweet old lady earlier sewing a patchwork map of France. She seamed Nice.

32. I’ve been kicked out of Peripheral Vision Club. I didn’t see that coming.

33. Just been in Curry’s for a dictaphone. They gave me George Osborne’s phone number.

34. It’s my son’s first day of speech therapy tomorrow. He said he can’t tell me how excited he is.

35. Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in senior school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

36. Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

37. My parents sent me to a Satanist school. You wouldn’t believe the sacrifices they had to make.

38. I’ve got a pair of brand new children’s gloves if anyone wants to take them off my hands

39. My girlfriend puts up with me, even though I’m obsessed with fractions. She’s one millionth.

40. … AND I’M FUCKING GIVING UP ASTRONOMY. NO MORE MR. NIGHTSKY.

41. My mate’s just got caught for the fourth time stealing a jumper 3 sizes too small for him. Let’s see how he wriggles out of this one.

42. I’ve made a cake to apologise for the fights I keep accidentally starting. Come on then, who wants some?

43. I’ve been doing jokes that require visual accompaniments since I was this big.

44. I hate unwelcome visitors. I just had a woman at my door there, asking for a donation to some sperm bank. Boy did I give her a mouthful.

45. What if John Lennon had sold his music online? Imagine all the PayPal.

46. Some people reckon lip reading is easy. I disagree, but I can see what they’re saying.

47. I wouldn’t say fitness is my speciality. My personal best at the 100 metres is 80 metres.

48. Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

49. Don’t listen to people who generalise. They’re all the fucking same.

50. The more I read about confirmation bias, the more I think it might be true.

51. My brother has just invented an Invisible Aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

52. I’m always shocked by how quickly Valentine’s Day comes round each year. I don’t know why, it’s been on the cards for ages.

53. I bought my wife a psychic abacus for Valentine’s Day. It’s the thought that counts.

54. What makes a good tongue-twister? Well, it’s hard to say.

55. I’m thinking of starting a club for insomniacs if anyone’s up for it?

56. Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price. I found this out on a price comparison website

57. “Achoo, Brute?” ~ Cnaesar

58. People keep telling me I’m too clumsy to open a glue and air rifle shop but I’m sticking to my guns.

59. Some guy just asked if he could cover me in salt or roast me. He must think I’m nuts.

60. My psychiatrist prescribed me a front door to help with my anger management. It’s taking a while to kick in.

61. The couple downstairs are really bad at arguing: they both just keep shouting “YES”.

62. I was just offered a TV for sale for only £3 because the volume button was stuck. Did I buy it? Of course I did! Well, I couldn’t turn it down, could I?

63. If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul.
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Re: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes

Postby Enzo » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:47 pm

I finally managed to shoot a 74 the other day. Then I had to play the back nine.
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