Pain in the ass

[Enzo]

Had to get it out of my system. And in fact I have to get EVERYTHING out of my system. I went in today for the consultation prior to next week's visit to get my first ...ta da...colonoscopy. They gonna take a look up my ass, and they don't wan t me full of shit when it happens.

They seemed like nice people. I being the guy I am, wanted so deperately to make a funny, but I couldn't think of a single joke that they wouldn't have heard a thousand times already. Frustrating. SO I smiled, cooperated, and we all just got along.

Butt somewhere deep inside, it cracked me up. These people deal with assholes every day. I'll fit right in.

Just thought I'd share.

[teri tait]

What a pain in the ass...for sure

Reminds me of the annual ob/gyn us ladies must endure. Does the doctor talk to you the whole time like my gynecologist? Its so bizarre to chit chat while someone is elbow deep in your nether region. I always ask about his golf game and thank him for taking time off the course for my appointment and he always reminds me he doesn't play golf. Then I tell him he should, because that's what doctors do... Yep, it never gets old.
He delivered my last baby and I didn't even need stitches so I really like him :)

How often you guys have to do that checkup?

[Superluminal]

If they don't want you full of shit. Don't read any posts by Bill Thompson for 48 hours prior to your exam.

If they are used to dealing with assholes, then Bill must be one of their patients.

[Enzo]

Hey, leave Bill out of my thread... even if you're right.

Well, TT, our nethers are somewhat different than yours, however after 50 we are supposed to get a prostate exam. The doctor shoves his finger up your ass and feels the prostate gland to see if it is enlarged or if it feels cancerous. DOn't ask me what a cancerous prostate feels like as opposed to a regular one.

My doctor after he was done asked me if I wanted a second opinion, then he held up a second finger. What a guy.

Does that count?

I'll be sedated during the butt scope trip. SO if they want to make fun of me I won't know it.

[teri tait]

A second opinion, that's hilarious :)
A butt cam, there's a movie to keep and show to all the relatives at Christmas.
Well, at least you don't have to go through menopause, except as a supportive husband of course.

[Enzo]

Who says I'll be supportive? If she goes all meno on me, I'll go all mid-life on her. I always wanted a sports car...

Nah, I have to be nice, she has to sit there at the surgeons while they butt scope me. AND take me back home.

I'm already on the regimen. So far I can't eat anything with seeds in it.

[teri tait]

How you gonna do without seeds?!!! No sunflower seeds or big macs or whole grain bread/muffins? Do they enema you too?
Your wife gets to see you all groggy and walking funny :)

[Enzo]

Guess it'll have to be white bread grilled cheese. Noodles alfredo. Big bowl of mayonaise. Jello.

Hah, on the final day before I can eat jello, but not RED jello.

She can see me groggy and walking funny any time.

[pumpkinpie]

Ooh, put the mayonnaise and the jello together. What a treat!

One word for the night before: vaseline! Don't ask me how I know that.

[Diana30]

Had to get it out of my system. And in fact I have to get EVERYTHING out of my system. I went in today for the consultation prior to next week's visit to get my first ...ta da...colonoscopy. They gonna take a look up my ass, and they don't wan t me full of shit when it happens.

They seemed like nice people. I being the guy I am, wanted so deperately to make a funny, but I couldn't think of a single joke that they wouldn't have heard a thousand times already. Frustrating. SO I smiled, cooperated, and we all just got along.

Butt somewhere deep inside, it cracked me up. These people deal with assholes every day. I'll fit right in.

Just thought I'd share.

Oh, I am sorry to hear you will have to go through that. Just remember it is for your own good. I really hope it is not to hard on you, or should I say I hope it is not to hard on your.....oh, never mind...... :wink:


Diana

[Enzo]

Hey, it'll be a pain in the ass, I know. It will be like those years in the Turkish prison but with better lighting.

Still on solid food, but had to leave the crushed red pepper off my spaghetti tonight - it has seeds in it.

Went to see the anesthesiologist today to see if there was room in my throat for an air tube if they need one. I told him I had a big mouth and he said I'd be fine then.

Tomorrow: Milk of MAgnesia. Does a Magnesia even have an udder?

[Мастер]

It will be like those years in the Turkish prison but with better lighting.

[teri tait]

When I was intubated, they stuck tubes up my nose and down to my lungs. Pulling them out later was quite an experience.

[Enzo]

Intubated? You were HATCHED???

I jusy know the old lady will pick on me while I'm defenseless. I've already given her some pre-emptory guff.

[teri tait]

:) you better be nice to her between now and then...

[Enzo]

She bought dinner tonight, and I said thanks.

Our relationship is based on getting each other's goat - we kid a lot.

[umop ap!sdn]

Intubated? You were HATCHED???

Intubated != incubated.

Our relationship is based on getting each other's goat - we kid a lot.

[Enzo]

Thank you, thank you, we'll be here all week. Try the veal.

[Dragon Star]

Thank you, thank you, we'll be here all week. Try the veal.

I'll pass, but so long, and thanks for all the fish...

[Enzo]

I survived.

I went in for the "procedure" this morning. After the nice lady at the desk assured me that yes indeed they had heard every possible joke regarding the process, I managed not to try anyway. But I did ask the nurse if the surgical gown made my butt look big. Of course by then my old lady was in the room and she said "No, it does that all on its own." Dumb broad anyway.

They were right, the worst part was the preparation. Had to take milk of magnesia a couple nights - joy. Then for the last 24 hours, no solid food, just clear liquids. And twice that evening I had to drink a bottle of "Fleet Phospho-soda", along with 12 ounces of water. Let me just say that the Fleet people have come up with a stunningly effective laxative. DOn't drink it and wander off too far. Wow. I had no idea...

Last four hours, not even water. So I walk into the place promptly at 7AM - hungry and thirsty, and right inside the door, the first thing I see is a couple sitting at a table with a box of Krispy Kremes, chowing down. Bastids. Signs above all the water fountains proclaimed that if we drank anything, our procedure would be delayed or cancelled. Considering what I went through to get to that point, it was no small threat.

"Go in there and take everything off - you can leave on your socks." OK. Then they connected me to the monitoring machine so it could make all the beeps and squiggles. I don't know what any of them meant, but I got lots of numbers. Out comes the needle. "OK, this might sting for a second." "Hey, I'm a tough guyYYYYYY!!" NAh, it was OK.

Then they spread a little flannel sheet over me. Bless their hearts, the thing was HOT. I gotta get a sheet heater for the homestead. AFter a while just hanging out, the Anesthesia guy comes in to do his routine and ask me the same questions everyone else had asked several times. Then he asks me if I had any questions. Naturally I asked him, "Sure, what's the capital of Nebraska?" He didn't know, the nurses didn't know. He wandered off and said he could find out - he had internet.

In a bit they wheeled me in - at some speed I might add - to the operating theater. (The whole world's a stage) Seemed chilly in there. There was a large video monitor on either side of me, and this machine had a long dark tube hanging from it. I could only imagine it was... the machine. I notied the image on the monitors was this sort of pebbly looking pattern like the surface of mars or something, then I realized the tube was aiming at the floor, and I was getting a nice close view of the floor tile.

Roll over on your side. OK. Anesthesia boy starts the drip and tells me we're on our way. I didn't have to count backwards, but he did say to me, "Omaha?" Nope. I was starting to fade. SO I said, "Here's a clue - a penny for your thoughts." "Lincoln!" was the last thing I heard.

Just like they predicted, next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room. Amazing to me I didn't feel groggy in the slightest. Nurse tried to foist apple juice on me, but I held out for OJ. Then another nurse disconnected the tubes and wires. Doctor came in and showed me the interior pictures. I'm all pink inside.

No polyps - that's good. Last thing guy wants is a coral reef growing in there. Nope, not atoll. Doc says looks good and we need to do it again.... in five years.

I told the old lady the nurses were darned attractive. She couldn't hit me at the time, would have knocked some of the plumbing off me. Hopefully she won't remember tomorrow.

Bleemie I was famished, so we ran over to the local joint for a stack of pancakes - extra syrup. My dear wife bought me breakfast. WHich was a treat, since all day Mother's Day I couldn't eat anything. SO much for a nice Mother's Day dinner for two. We got home and made all the jokes I couldn't make at the place. We have such fun.

This is something that everyone should have done at some point, colorectal cancer is a major killer. it really wasn't bad at all. There was no after effect discomfort. A bit of flatulence since they puffed some pressure in there to expand things a bit. But no internal discomfort from the probes, and no..entry point... discomfort either. The worst really was the fasting.

When it comes up your turn, just do it, no big.

[teri tait]

I'm glad it came out "grossly unremarkable" as the doctors like to write.

[pumpkinpie]

I survived.

Congrats!

This is something that everyone should have done at some point, colorectal cancer is a major killer. it really wasn't bad at all. There was no after effect discomfort. A bit of flatulence since they puffed some pressure in there to expand things a bit. But no internal discomfort from the probes, and no..entry point... discomfort either. The worst really was the fasting.

When it comes up your turn, just do it, no big.

I'd been resisting the urge to post my personal experiences, but with these last words of yours I'm inspired. Yes, everyone. Go to your doctor regularly, and when the doctor tells you to do it, DO IT! Do not balk. It's really not that big of a deal. Heck, if I can have it done 5 times before the age of 30, any of you can have it once every 5 years!!

I have a disease that requires me to be checked out--but it's under control. No worries, folks.

Enzo, how did you like that Phospho-Soda? BLECH! I gag every time I have to take it down. You're right, the prep the day before is the worst part of it.

[Enzo]

The Fleet stuff could be worse, but it is not good. A bit too salty, and I could taste that mineral saltiness in my mouth all the time afterwards, even a quart of water wouldn't wash it away. I did what they said and poured the little bottle into half a glass of water and just dumped it down all at once. Just short of chugging it. No point in lingering over it. Then two more 8 oz glasses of water. I got the first glass down easily, but had to wait a few minute to do the second. Then doing it all over again a few hours later was less fun. But boy does the stuff work. Zowie, your innards are empty.

Just before going into the procedure they gave me a couple little cups of something to "neutralize stomach acid" I think it was to prevent any untowards results if I aspirated stomach juices. it was really foul tasting stuff. Like kerosene with a hint of grape. Yuk.

The people ther were really cool, and I never felt uncomfortable. Other than the gnawing hunger and having to watch the creeps with the donuts in their faces.

I really am a pretty private person, but somehow medical stuff never felt very personal to me.

PP, you have my sympathy if you have to go through that regularly.

[Van Rijn]

I have a disease that requires me to be checked out--but it's under control. No worries, folks.

Same here. Well, it's pretty much under control.

Enzo, how did you like that Phospho-Soda? BLECH! I gag every time I have to take it down. You're right, the prep the day before is the worst part of it.

I find it very nearly impossible to get that down and keep it down, though it is marginally better than Golyte. The taste is foul beyond belief and the "salt" makes me nauseous (it draws water out of the lining of the stomach, which induces stomach cramps). For my last test, I talked my doctor into using Visicol, which are just large white tablets. It is pretty similar stuff, but it is just a matter of chugging a bunch of horse pills and drinking plenty of liquids. That was the first prep where I felt reasonably human through the whole process. I was able to take one of the liquid food preparations (can't remember which one) that tastes funny but provides a lot of nutrition, so I felt much better. When I fast, it doesn't take that long for the hunger to fade, but I sure do feel the effects (headaches, weakness, and so on).

[Doe, John]

Perusing this thread, I couldn't help but think of those late night radio ads for "cleansing systems" that say they will clean out accumulated stuff in your digestive system. I gotta think that what you all have gone through would really open the eyes of the deluded people who buy that snake oil.