New Member: NorthernDevo

[NorthernDevo]

Hello new friends.
My name is NorthernDevo; I have been called here by two members of this and another forum.

I will not lie, I don't know anything about this forum and will have to spend many hours reading posts before deciding if this forum meets my needs/interests/philosophy; but I trust the members that brought me here and am very willing to make every effort to find a home here.

Those two members might post here to support me; if they don't, please know that I am a man on the verge of calling himself a 'recovering alcoholic' - it's too soon to know if I'm into the recovering phase yet. I stopped drinking two weeks ago and the recovery has not been easy.

I am also a retired Canadian soldier (3 tours); a second-degree black-belt (Nidan) in Aikido; a former pilot (my drinking killed my license) and an aspiring novelist. I look for little in a forum other than intelligent talk and consideration.

Thanks; I'm glad to be here. :)

Your new friend, NorthernDevo.

[Lance]

Welcome!

[Мастер]

Greetings NorthernDevo!

I can identify one of the two individuals who invited you here, not sure who the other is.

But I have already heard of your current situation, and wish you continued success in dealing with it.

We have one member who was a Canadian Robot Soldier, and who has been AWOL for about a year. If you see him, send him back this way :)

Welcome again.

[NorthernDevo]

Macrep:
Greetings to you!

You say you can identify one of the members that brought me here. I will neither confirm nor deny that; and I challenge you to state the name you suggest.

I will apologize later. I have no interest in self-importance or supposed secrecy. If you wish to speak with me, you will do so with openness and honesty. Until then, Moderator or no, I will consider you just another woo-woo poster.

Do not misunderstand. I am a fun, educated and entertaining poster, but right now I am also a man who has been injured by comments on other boards and I am vulnerable. I am a man with years of tactical training and experience behind him. I have no more appetite for pointless posts.

You 'know' who brought me here? Then say the name - and leave Llamas out of it. Otherwise shut up or wish me well. I have no interest in secrecy or conspiracy theory.
I came here because my friends brought me here. It is up to you to convince me I am welcome here.

[Мастер]

Please allow me to retract my greetings, when I extended them, I didn't realise you liked to pick fights and lash out unprovoked.

[tubeswell]

Yay! 2 &1/2 years and my moniker is no longer in the three newest members. (Thankyou whoever those two peeps are. )

[Halcyon Dayz, FCD]

Hello there!

[Blue Monster 65]

Well ... that escalated quickly. And needlessly.

Best wishes here and in your personal life, ND! I know from experience you'll need it - and support from those who extend it - to make it through to the other side. You can do it if you want to.

Hope to see you more on this board!

[NorthernDevo]

Oh Man; I'm so sorry.
I wish I could say I don't know whay I said that; unfortunately, I do and it's my fault. I thought my mind would be mine again once I left off the alcohol but I'm in the grip of some serious mood-swings and...I don't have the words at the moment but it's like my brain's thinking someone else's thoughts. Things that are minor take up huge importance; big things get ignored and such. Things get taken entirely out of context. I'm trying to watch what I say; the problem is that stupid post seened totally normal and rational.

I feel like such an idiot sometimes; and this is one of those times. It might be better if I just didn't post for a while.
:(

Edit: need to say more. I didn't think it would go like this. It's like finding out you're standing in the middle of a bloody minefield (and I've been in the middle of a minefield so I know what it feels like.) I thought once I stopped drinking and the physical withdrawal was over I'd be OK again; dealing with the remaining addiction would simply be a matter of avoiding the urge to drink, but it's not happening like that. I think my brain's reprogramming itself to deal with the loss of alcohol; hence the wild mood swings and other effects. I'm finding out the hard way just how hard this is going to be.

I'm sorry for that post. From now on what I'm going to do is write every response in Notepad; save it then read it again the next day. If it still makes sense; I'll post it. Please accept my apology.

[Heid the Ba]

Hi Northern Devo, you found your way here then. Before I saw your edit I was going to suggest asking Lance to pre-approve posts for a while but hopefully self-editing works.

Good luck.

[Blue Monster 65]

Nah - you're good and understood.

Hang in there, too. If we can be of support somehow, let us know!

[MM_Dandy]

Welcome aboard, NorthernDevo!

[Arneb]

Welcome form me as well, NorthernDevo. Have a good and relaxing time here.

[Enzo]

Hi Northern Divo. While we do have to occasional serious discussion, I think the key here is to not take one's self too seriously. I for one am here to have a nice enjoyable discourse with the group. If you have issues in life to deal with, I wish you well with them. Even if we joke about such things, we don't do it as a lack of respect. I have found this small group to be intelligent and compassionate and having a sense of humor about things. All highly desirable qualities.

And that is the last nice thing I will say about them.

[Blue Monster 65]

Holy Cow! Enzo said something nice about us!

Can we sticky this? Just for his future embarrassment?

[NorthernDevo]

Uh, thanks.
Still feel like a jerk; I've been feeling like that a lot lately. Thanks for your understanding. Heid: I hope the self-censorship will work; the whole point of posting is to provide a source of discipline for me. My life is largely solitary; staring at a computer screen; either writing or playing games when not at work. I'd hoped that the community of the forums would give me a reason to 'play nice', as it were.
I know that a huge chunk of my personality is extraordinarily nasty; it had to be to survive the emotional hell of life on the street. Until now, it's always been held in check by protocol, societal norms and my desire to fit in. What scares me is the possibility that that nasty person is the person I really am. I honestly don't know - there literally hasn't been a full week since the Bosnian War when I haven't been drunk - or at least had some alcohol in my system. What if I'm really the bad person that comes out once in a while? What if Hyde is Dr. Jekyll's true personality? I don't think I can accept that.

I have a piece of good news to pass on, though; if you're willing to hear it. Part of my problem is my misanthropic behaviour - my tendency to hate mixing with people; to avoid joining groups. I've tried; using the one tool available to me: Aikido. Unfortunately there seems to be a huge UFC attitude cloud hanging over this city; I've visited more than a dozen aikido dojos in order to find a good place to train. I haven't found one that satisfies my needs. They either blend Aikido with other skills to be more "effective" - thus corrupting the art - or teach "UFC-Oriented Aikido" or are simply so poor they're not worth my time. I found exactly two good dojos - and the senseis of each demanded I surrender my belt and start with them as Kohai. Another one - not one of the good ones - even demanded I refer to him as 'Master'; charged me $100/mth for the privelege of training with him and required I study nothing he did not previously approve.
Heh heh - I did pay him the hundred bucks; and begged the Great Sensei to teach me via Kumite - unscripted sparring. He graciously accepted; while his students watched. They all learned an important lesson that day; the difference between someone who think's he's good at Aikido and someone who has spent almost thirty years trying to not be bad at Aikido. His dojo closed a few weeks later; though probably because the city knocked the building down to make way for the LRT rather than because I bounced their teacher off every flat surface I could find. I even went walking around with him in sankyo; looking for other flat surfaces to bounce him off of. Remember - I was still very much in 'nasty guy' mode and don't take lightly to poseurs. I take the traditional skills and protocol of Aikido very seriously - it's probably the thing that's kept me alive the past twenty years.

Well; on Tuesday I visited the local YMCA; thinking to rent space and open another dojo of my own. I was disappointed to learn the Y doesn't rent space; they hire teachers. But they did offer an aikido class; Wenesday and Friday. I attended Yesterday's class and was utterly delighted. Sensei Rob is a nice guy with a quick joke and welcoming smile; his students are enthusiatic, eager and variable - it's a walk-in class serving the Y; so it has everything from moms trying to get the extra 10 pounds from Thanksgiving off to serious MMA practicioners to kids off the street. Rob invited me to attend tomorrow's class; and I intend to do so. Even a casual examination tells me I have far more experience and training than Rob but that doesn't matter in the least; it's his class; I am his guest and I'm pleased he doesn't feel any concern about having a more senior student in his class. Great credit to him; there aren't many teachers with that kind of confidence. I can't tell until I actually participate but I think I might've found a class - a group - I can join without dark feelings. I'll tell you how the class went tomorrow.

Hopefully yours,
Dave

[NorthernDevo]

Update to my last:

Until now; I had not viewed my PM's. I was too afraid to do so. I joined this forum with hope and willingness; only to be betrayed by my own wild; barely-controlled brain which left a totally unreasonable response to a completely reasonable and amiable comment.

Even though I am in the grips of aclohol withdrawal and whatever my brain is doing at the moment is totally strange to me; I do not avoid responsibility for my utterly weird response. I said those words; I freely acknowledge and apologize for them.

Anyway; there were several PM's posted after I wrote that stupid post. I only opened them now; the first moment I felt strong enough to do so.

To my utter shock; there were no words of incrimination or anger. Only support and explanation.

I feel humbled at the support this forum has given to someone it doesn't know. I am grateful to know others have been through the same pain I am experiencing; that they recognize it and are willing to lend their words.

I received another huge jolt of support on my journey towards sobriety on the weekend; I am composing the message now. I won't put it here; I'll start a new thread outside the 'introductions' section so there's no confusion.

Thanks.