A quack quack.

[Enzo]

This past afternoon, I took the Duck Lady to lunch at the Golden Corral. Or as we call it, "the trough." As you know she hands out rubber ducks wherever we go. Like Johnny Appleseed without the agricultural benefit. But when we got there, we found she was not the only quack in town.

WE constantly get invitations to "free dinner" with presentation. Especially here at the home - seniors are big targets. SOme are vacation resort timeshares, some are hospice/funeral/ other end of life sorts of things. Well today at the buffet, we ran into one of those, they had hired the banquet room in the back end of the place, but had overflowed into the main dining room. The guy with a microphone and PA system droned on and on for a good hour as we were there, to a mostly elderly audience. He was hawking MAGNETS. Specifically a mattress pad with "hundreds" of magnets. And also a seat cushion, like you might use in your car. Of course it didn't treat your whole body and had fewer magnets, but was better than nothing.

It was like a late night TV infomercial except we couldn't turn it off or change the channel. I think I would have preferred a time share presentation. At least the lies wouldn't be as egregious...or dangerous.

SO his mattress pad had hundreds of magnets in it. As we all know oh just every thing that goes wrong with the human body is due to circulation. And his magnets are all installed with the negative side up - the north pole of the magnet - and the magnets draw the iron in our blood to naturally warm up via the magnetism. You can lie on this mattress pad, and after a time you can feel it is warm to the touch. Gee, my magnet-free bed does the same thing. In fact I just checked, and the chair I am sitting on has also become warmer than before I sat down. Perhaps it is my magnetic personality.

So what does it do? PLENTY. It cures arthritis, which we all know is just a lack of circulation. The magnets somehow help get rid of cholesterol, which improves the circulation and thus cures arthritis. But other things like fibromyalgia? No sweat, cures that too. We went on and on about statins, and how they were absolutely worthless and did nothing about cholesterol. The magnet s cure what decades of statins did not. He had lots of stories of medical doctors who just couldn;t believe that their patients were now cured by magnets. It was always medical doctors, never plain old doctors.

Somehow this cured asthma, as well as sleep apnea. A medical doctor had a patient on the apnea machine for years, but one night on the magnet pad, and no more apnea. Who knew? He had passed out a few of the seat cushions, and several volunteers had been sitting on them. He had asked what their pain levels were before - all had been in the 7-8 range - and after they had been sitting on them a while, every one reported their pain levels down to 2-3. IN JUST 15 MINUTE!!! Wring and I suspected shills, but we had no evidence. And that was just with seat pads, imagine a whole mattress pad full.

The guy went on and on, and I heard a good half dozen "One last thing, then you can all get your dinner", which never seemed to slow down the onslaught. I decided to use the bathroom, because I knew one of those"oh just one more thing", and he'd release a hundred or so seniors, all of whom had been sitting for an hour. I was right, when they broke for dinner, WHOOMP, the whole place filled up.

It cured glaucoma and other eye maladies, like macular degeneration. And while he didn't want to be too graphic, it was also good for "Oh, what is that little blue pill?" (chorus of "viagra") Yes, magnets were good for erectile dysfunction.

What I found ironic was I had my latest Skeptical Inquirer with me to read, and it had a couple articles, one about statin deniers. And other items about the very crap we were listening to.

The product is a mattress pad with hundreds of magnet sewn in, plus a bunch of super-magnets. The price varied with size of course, but was in the range of $3000. Now to protect it, there was a cover for only $189. $50 off if you order today.

MAke sure to put the pad on right way up, otherwise you will have hundreds of magnets poking up towards your iron-filled blood. SOmetimes the warming effect is too much - perhaps too much blood iron? So there is also a gel filled cooling pad - no, heh heh it won't diminish the magnet field - that is only $400.

Now your medicare, insurance, medicaid will not pay so much as a dime for this, BUT, if you purchase these products, we will send you a check to cover the state sales tax, which could be $150-200. Now that is a ringing endorsement.

Drugs? You won't need them. See this pile of paper? (About 3" thick) These are all drugs - and you won't need to take them anymore.

Oh it just wouldn't quit. There was more, but...

So there was well over 100 folks in his audience. We go in the afternoon to get the senior special price $8 includes drink. Now the mattress folks rented the banquet room and bought meals. SO if they got a good price, say $6 a pop, it only costs them $600-1000 for the deal. Considering their mattress pad and stuff will set you back about $4000 if you go for all the extras, if they sell one, they make out like the bandits they are.

The magnets are attracted to the iron in your blood...

[Enzo]

Almost forgot. Pacemakers. The magnets will upset pacemakers, so if you have a pacemaker, fear not. They make a special mattress pad for pacemaker users. It only has magnets on half of it, so you legs and butt would get the treatment. Not quite as effective as the full monte, but since your blood circulates, you still get the benefit.

[Arneb]

But OF COURSE magnets attract the iron in your blood. That's how Magneto killed people in X-Men!!

[Lance]

We've had a hard time keeping this amazing secret knowledge from the general public. The doctors and drug companies pay us a lot of money to keep this quiet. I hope this doesn't hurt our money train.

[g-one]

Next time you should share a story about your friend who is in a coma because he got his cushion wrong-side up. "BECAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW POWERFUL THESE THINGS IS !!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Enzo]

He warned us about turning it upside down, but I have to wonder, due to the earth polar magnetic field, must we indeed invert them for proper use in the southern hemisphere?

And don't take it camping, it will screw up your compass readings for navigation.

[g-one]

Must be great for your credit cards too?

[wring]

Must be great for your credit cards too?

Well, after charging the 4 grand for the damn mattress, your credit card should probably be retired anyhow, eh?