Australia is in Europe, aparently.

[Heid the Ba]

First a confession, one of our guilty pleasures is watching the Eurovision Song Contest, something we both did with our families when we were children. It is an annual celebration of tacky costumes, bad ballads, kitsch and dodgy accents all played out before an audience of gay men. Last year the winner was a bearded Austrian cross-dresser. Previous winners have included a Finnish death metal band, a leather clad Ukrainian woman with a whip, a number of Oirish balladeers and FSM knows what else. The only certainties are that countries vote for their neighbours (even in the Balkans), no-one votes for Germany regardless of how good their song is, and we will put in some pish that even we won't vote for.

This year Australia are invited.

Oh, and Finland have upped their game by sending a punk band, whose members all have special needs.

Edits to correct facts about the Finnish band, and typos.

[Lianachan]

I share your guilty pleasure, Eurobrother.

[Heid the Ba]

It is bizarre that the UK seems to try to be as inoffensive as possible while other countries just say "fuck it, why not send Lordi". Of course an independent Scotland will go in with a rotation of The Krankies, The Proclaimers and some beardie ballad merchant.

[Lianachan]

I think an independent Scotland would be likely to do better in Eurovision, as indeed in all things, than as part of the (y)UK. Proclaimers would win it every damn year, starting on year one with a classic that everybody in Europe (and the world) can sing along to - "If You Hate The Fucking English Clap Your Hands"*. I'm sure it's the same in your household, but it's all about the drinking in ours. In the good old days, best results were obtained if you maintained the same level of intoxication as Terry Wogan. It's not just not the same now.

I hope I get back home in time for it this year. I have a lot of driving to do on Saturday, 400 miles or so - taking my elderly folks around the Ardnamurchan peninsula. We lived there when I was very young, and haven't been back for years. But it's a hell of a circuit from Dingwall, I tells ya.

* Eventually to become our national anthem.

[Heid the Ba]

I think an independent Scotland would be likely to do better in Eurovision, as indeed in all things,

Indeed.

but it's all about the drinking in ours. In the good old days, best results were obtained if you maintained the same level of intoxication as Terry Wogan.

He had become an angry, shouty man who lost the plot long before he retired. We used to watch the telly and listen to Ken Bruce on the radio.

It's not just not the same now.

Graham Norton is a more natural fit though.

I hope I get back home in time for it this year. I have a lot of driving to do on Saturday, 400 miles or so - taking my elderly folks around the Ardnamurchan peninsula. We lived there when I was very young, and haven't been back for years. But it's a hell of a circuit from Dingwall, I tells ya.

And barely a straight or flat road anywhere on the journey. If you see the Kilhoan - Tobermory ferry wave to my brother, he'll be driving it.

[Arneb]

The only certainties are that countries vote for their neighbours (even in the Balkans), no-one votes for Germany regardless of how good their song is, and we will put in some pish that even we won't vote for.

Allow me to take issue witha that statement. I am not guilty of the pleasures you admit to, yet I know one or two things about this abomination.

First, Germany won three times, the last time with a slam dunk, multi-multi-douze-punti home run performed by Lena Meyer-Landrut from Hannover-Langenhagen, with a special prrize for the most inaccurate and spurious German pseudo-cockney accent evar. So it's not exactly no-one who votes for us. Well, the UK doesn't, but frankly, what do they know. Also, don't forget that Stefan Raab came in fifth after performing a song he had explicitly designed (and successfully, if you ask me) to be so stupid as to provoke a zero-pointer.

Also, speaking of neighbours, we NEVER. NOT.EVER. gave Any points at all to Austria, and vice versa. Not to Udo Jürgens, not to Conchita Wurst. And they both make their money over here. BTW, it's the other way round, too.

[Lianachan]

The best intentionally bad, let's come last, piss-pulling song in Eurovision history is undoubtedly Euro-Vision by Belgian electronic music pioneers Telex. They wanted to come last, but Portugal gave them 10 points and they ended up 17th (of 19). Their cover version of "Rock Around The Clock" is out-fucking-standing, by the way.

From Wikipedia, discussing their Eurovision appearance:

"The group's song "Euro-Vision" was a cheerful bleepy song with deliberately banal lyrics about the contest itself. The Eurovision audience seemed unsure how to react to the performance, and after the band stopped playing, there was mostly stunned silence with scattered polite applause; Michel Moers took a photograph of the bewildered audience as the band walked off-stage."

[Heid the Ba]

Apologies, I had forgotten Germany had won recently.

No mention yet of "My lovely horse"?

[Arneb]

The best intentionally bad, let's come last, piss-pulling song in Eurovision history is undoubtedly Euro-Vision by Belgian electronic music pioneers Telex. They wanted to come last, but Portugal gave them 10 points and they ended up 17th (of 19). Their cover version of "Rock Around The Clock" is out-fucking-standing, by the way.

From Wikipedia, discussing their Eurovision appearance:

"The group's song "Euro-Vision" was a cheerful bleepy song with deliberately banal lyrics about the contest itself. The Eurovision audience seemed unsure how to react to the performance, and after the band stopped playing, there was mostly stunned silence with scattered polite applause; Michel Moers took a photograph of the bewildered audience as the band walked off-stage."

Genius,especially the confetti. My parents had that camera . Considering that even the Oscars is used for promotion of smart phone manufacturers, the gesture with the camera is almost like a premonition of things to come.

The problem with Raab's song is that the text is actually witty and that the music is really quite good. His tacky performance was a howler, too. So before you know it, you get points. He reputedly said that first or last would be a good result, so fifth was a bit of an anticlimax.

[Мастер]

No mention yet of "My lovely horse"?

It won, didn't it?

[Heid the Ba]

Slovenia, oh dearie me. Large earphones and a shit song.

[Heid the Ba]

Hmm, chubby Frenchie singing in French, this will crash and burn.
Edit : not that chubby, but still pish.

[Heid the Ba]

The Red Sea Pedestrians have some sort of Near Eastern hip hop which is surprisingly tolerable.

[Heid the Ba]

Estonia: it isn't often I'm on the side of the Soviet tanks, but tonight I'm all about the T34s.

[Heid the Ba]

UK, this is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, without being good.

[Heid the Ba]

Armenia: the Turks killed eleventy billion of them, including anyone who could carry a tune. They missed the Kardashians though, so fuck the Turks.

[Heid the Ba]

Lithuania: she's blonde and strident, he's dark and singing english phonetically. At least their costumes match.

[Heid the Ba]

For the avoidance of doubt, I have been drinking for some time. Hopefully I'll pass out soon.

[Heid the Ba]

Serbia, shouty salad dodger sings ballad with rhyming but meaningless lyrics. Could do well. Bucks Fizz skirt reprise.

[Heid the Ba]

Norway, my fondness for our Scandie neighbours is well known and this is an ok ballad with excellent stagecraft. I doubt it will do well.

[Heid the Ba]

Sweden, style over substance, it may well win.

[Heid the Ba]

Cyprus, sub Ed Sheerin nonsense. Again, the Turks didn't kill enough of them.

[Heid the Ba]

Australia, ho hum. He has a hat on.

[Heid the Ba]

Belgium, oh for fuck's sake. No wonder you have three languages and no parliament.

[Heid the Ba]

Austria, Gilbert O'Sullivan's bastard son.