Viz Letters

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Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:05 pm

I was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:10 pm

I fancy having a bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a butcher's or a pet shop?
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:10 pm

These so-called "speed humps" are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Heid the Ba » Thu Oct 17, 2013 8:30 am

Never lose anything ever again, tie everything you own to a piece of string and if you can't find something simply start at one end and work along until you find it.
Get it up ye.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Thu Oct 17, 2013 8:44 am

People in Cheltenham. When smearing dogshit on Craig David's Porsche 911 in the Royal Well car park, make sure you get plenty under the door handles and not just on the bonnet.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Heid the Ba » Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:56 am

The United States and Britain have finally apologised for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes apologise for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats?
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Thu Oct 17, 2013 1:23 pm

Now that increasing numbers of celebrities are being accused by the newspapers of paedophilia, I find it quite refreshing that John Leslie is only accused of raping mature women well over the age of consent. Hats off to him.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Arneb » Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:16 pm

It should be noted that Bill Clinton and Len Brown are reputed not to have raped anyone at all, above the age of consent or below. That is quite astounding an achievement.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:31 pm

EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby tubeswell » Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:00 pm

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Fri Oct 18, 2013 2:50 pm

SO IT'S our car, our flat and our money, but I notice it's always her tits. There's feminism for you.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Arneb » Fri Oct 18, 2013 3:29 pm

On the other hand, it's also YOUR wilie. and YOUR sixpack. And YOUR chest hair. Or is that a toupé?
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:32 pm

THE LEGEND of Bigfoot, a humanoid ape-like creature living in the Rocky Mountains of America was first told by the native Red Indians centuries ago. Due to the vastness of the terrain, it is quite possible that such a creature could live undiscovered. Obviously, however, it could not live for centuries, so it follows that there would have to be a breeding population. Based on my own field studies, I have calculated that the area where the bigfoot has been spotted could support around two hundred individuals. Just imagine if we captured all these magnificent beasts and trained them to perform Michael Flatley's Riverdance. What a show that would be!
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Heid the Ba » Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:19 pm

Please can someone help me? I can't seem to think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Oct 23, 2013 9:42 am

NUDISTS. In cold weather, when you are forced to wear clothes, simply pin a photograph of your cock and balls onto the front of your trousers.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby tubeswell » Sat Oct 26, 2013 2:38 am

The best thing about the all-in one entry deal at the Bierfest was the free steins
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Nov 20, 2013 1:56 am

MAKE YOUR own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lance » Wed Nov 20, 2013 3:18 am

Okay, I give up. What are "Viz Letters"?
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==========================================

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Re: Viz Letters

Postby tubeswell » Wed Nov 20, 2013 5:33 am

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Nov 20, 2013 9:44 am

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Wed Nov 20, 2013 9:49 am

Lance wrote:Okay, I give up. What are "Viz Letters"?


Letterbocks. Also, this thread contains many Top Tips.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:18 pm

Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:19 pm

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby Lianachan » Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:22 pm

BANGING two pistachio nut half shells together gives the impression a very small horse is approaching.
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Re: Viz Letters

Postby tubeswell » Fri Apr 11, 2014 1:41 am

Lianachan wrote:Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".


Now this is a seriously good idea.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

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